I wrote this journal entry on October 11 at 2:31 AM… two weeks before my relationship of six years ended. It’s vulnerable. I didn’t want to share it but it’s also powerful and now that I’m at the point of being “ok,” I’m making it public.
I feel humiliated. Taken advantage of. Like I am nothing.
I don’t know what it is I did… we’ve been through stressful times before and were still able to have a functioning relationship or at least still be friends but this guy, he doesn’t even so much as like me. I feel as though he’s disgusted, he wants me to leave and he is no where near in love with me anymore.
Honestly, without his love, I feel… anxiety, scared, a little empty.
At the same time, I know I would be okay if he ever decided he didn’t want to be with me.
Why am I sitting around waiting for him to tell me to go? Knowing this is not an acceptable way to be treated by a man? I don’t know. I can’t call it love. I can’t call it devotion. I will call it pathetic. I will call it desperate. In my mind, he is it… it won’t get any better. I shouldn’t go looking for more than I am allowed to have. That is a self-esteem issue…
And with tears down my face I have been reduced to nothing, to a shell of a woman that I don’t want to be anymore… I do deserve more than this. I don’t deserve to be yelled at, mocked, cussed out and mistreated. No one is perfect and I have made some mistakes, there are definitely areas of improvement but I do not deserve the treatment I’ve been receiving for the last few weeks.
I’ve done the absolute worst… begged and pleaded for him to hear me. Begged for him to release me if I am not the woman he wants. He refuses to do it. After days of trying to extract a word or an emotion or a feeling out of him, he said yes he still loves me but he doesn’t like me right now.
I could deal with that… if he wasn’t such a fucking hypocrite. When I have a problem, I’m expected to swallow it and deal with the consequences. But when he is upset, the whole world has to deal with his wrath and all of the anger that he has been not dealing with. But my emotions are invalid, my feelings are a bag of trash he tosses, my pleadings go unacknowledged.
Who can live like this? We are too young to go unsatisfied? We aren’t married…
I know the time is coming, the moment where I get fed up, the moment where after almost six years I finally get off of the emotional roller coaster and wash my hands. The moment where this is too much and I realize that I can’t make Ken love me the way I need to be loved.
It’s going to be so hard, my God, it will be so hard… it will take many nights of crying and agony, feeling all of the leeches he has attached to my soul withdrawing and unclenching their teeth, freeing me from his soul sucking demons that he has released onto me. I will be torn and a little beat up but not broken. I just want to tell my future self, the future self that’s embarking on a new journey and starting over… you are not broken and the strength that is within you is astounding and I am so proud. You can do anything… and you better get that wrist tattoo.