The last few weeks have been hard, tumultuous and one of the most anxiety filled emotional roller coasters I’ve ever been on. I’m sure I will be blogging about the various experiences I’ve had, now that I am at the point where I can find the words.
When I first started blogging, I promised myself that I would be positive, I think I forget that promise to myself sometimes. That’s okay. It’s okay to lose your way for a little bit. So, I don’t want to come back from my hiatus harping about life and ranting about people who get on my nerves. I want to start with the good, the epiphanies, the love.
My Best Friendship With Evie
I don’t want to take away from any other person I’ve ever called my best friend… I don’t use that term lightly. It takes a lot to be my friend: I am quite difficult, I sometimes disappear on people, and you’ve never met anyone moodier. I said that to say, I’ve had an angel in my life for the past few months. We just been there for each other, in such a mutual way, I hope she feels the same. I can be completely open and honest with her and that helps me be honest with myself. If I had one prayer for everyone in the world, it would be for everyone to find this person. Someone who sees you and accepts you just the way you are. This doesn’t even have to be romantic, even though it would be ideal to have this “next level” connection with a man… it so happens to be with my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way for myself.
I Deserve Love From Myself
I started another page to journal my weight loss journey, I haven’t been posting but I’ve still been making healthier choices often, eating less carbs and smaller meals. I sneakily weighed myself at Evie’s apartment and I am happy with the number. This isn’t necessarily about my weight though, it’s about how in the last year or so, I’ve conditioned myself into believing that I don’t deserve to basically look good. I stopped taking care of my hair, I stopped buying cute clothes, I would stay in the house for long stints of time. I’ve turned down jobs because I would have to be in front of people too often. I’ve treated myself with such contempt and self-hatred and for what? Because I’ve gained weight? I’ve gained weight because I stopped living, then stopped living when I noticed the weight.
People who are overweight are still beautiful people and no one should ever feel like they don’t deserve love or to get up and put on a dress, go out and be outgoing and unapologetically his or herself. Don’t stop living just because of the weight, that can be fixed…
Growing Up and Learning Grown Up Lessons
I’ve been learning a lot about myself and relationships. My limits have been tested and my sanity has been on the brink of escaping but I have endured. I am resilient. I am strong. I am standing on the other side with a lesson, acknowledging my own truth and the truth of the people I love. I will write about these many lessons and I hope you read.