“They mess you up, your Mom and Dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you.” Philip Larkin
Since I’ve started blogging regularly for the last month or so, I’ve been wanting to write about my mother, I’ve written about other lost relationships and it’s been very therapeutic. I didn’t want to force myself to write about her because I knew it would come at some point and it has. I was watching Criminal Minds and this above quote was at the end of one of the episodes in Season 9. What an amazing and honest quote… maybe Philip Larkin was hurt too.
I’ve been hurt since the day I was born in various ways. I know this because of the stories my mother has told me of the abuse I experienced at just a few days old, I don’t think they knew much about postpartum depression then. From the stories, she’s had it with every child. I’ve always understood that my mom hurt us (my brothers and myself) our whole lives because she didn’t know any other way and maybe didn’t have the courage to accept that she was doing things wrong and could sincerely change. Some people just aren’t capable and I truly believe that some women are not meant to be mothers.
I don’t think it takes corporal punishment and degradation to build character or to make a “productive member of society”, I think it strips the soul of the child and I am an example of it leaving a lifetime of scars. My mother was always a source of fear when I was younger and when I became older, she couldn’t beat me anymore, she then became my main source of negativity. It’s haunting.
It’s sad that the woman who gave birth to me is also the only person in the world whom I never want to see again. The day she told me, “Your season in my life is over,” I released myself from every bind I had to her. I no longer think about what would make her proud of me, I choose to make myself proud. I don’t wish any bad and I don’t wish to show any of the many pieces of dirty laundry I have… honestly even she would tell you about how much she beat her children. She has no problem with tearing anyone down and delightfully declares victory over anyone she can make feel small. I was and am tired of being a victim to that. I don’t want people like that in my life… even if that person gave life to me.
This is not to place blame on her for how I’ve ended up because honestly I think I turned out okay… but what I do understand now as a grown woman is that my childhood and my parents and all of those experiences and interactions have helped shape the person I am. I imagine my mother wanted me to be a doctor with a lawyer husband, two homes and three cars, a hell raising Baptist who vacations every year, with long straight hair and a body sculpted by a trainer, who gets awards for being black and successful. I imagine who I really am irritates her and all of her beatings and ridicule didn’t do what she thought it would. I am me, beautifully me, in spite of every lashing of the belt, every harsh word, every day she spent punishing me for nothing and every night I spent alone and ignored.
Therapy session over.
I think this post fits today’s daily prompt:
Do you agree with Jane Fonda’s favorite exercise motto, “no pain, no gain?” Is it impossible to attain greatness without considerable hardship?