How many times can one relationship be tested? How many times will those two people fail to forgive each other when it’s simply a miscommunication? I don’t know how you feel about your friends or how your friends feel about you, but for years my friends have been my family. They have been there in the toughest times and on my most joyous occasions. They are my sisters. Even when we don’t talk for a while, even when one of them does something I don’t agree with, these women are my sisters. This is not about all of them though, this is about one in particular.
We seem to go through the most with each other and we seem to always miss each other’s intentions. Although, I’m sure both of us have a lot of blame to attribute to the other for every trial and error our relationship goes through, I still can’t help but love her regardless.
It was out of that love I feel that I stopped talking to her a few months ago. To be honest with you, dear reader, I did not have a backbone. (I recently acquired one around the beginning of July, just a few short weeks ago.) I did not have the balls to say what I needed to say, how I was feeling and not have it give me liquid diarrhea. So, when I started to feel embarrassed by this friend, worried about her actions and her safety, disrespected and somewhat abused, I just removed myself from the whole situation and I did not say a word. Even when she asked me, I lied, and said I was perfectly okay. I couldn’t say the words, “You need to get help and your narcissism has become unbearable.” It’s not because I didn’t care or don’t love her, it was my own fear of rejection that kept me from saying something and that has nothing to do with her. I didn’t think she would listen and she is the type of person that once you piss her off, she cuts you off and I didn’t want to lose my friendship with her, even though that’s exactly what happened.
I wish more than anything that I could go back and tell her how horrible of a person she had become, since that’s what she feels as though I should’ve said. But how do you tell someone that, when in that space in time he or she is so comfortable in their own skin, confident and happy! Who am I to crush those feelings? I put her happiness in front of
my discomfort because she was my best friend.
Now that I have heard time and time again from our mutual friends that she is hurt that I didn’t come forward and tell her. I am wondering, why don’t people self-reflect instead of placing the blame where it can conveniently lie? Are you open to criticism from your loved ones like you THINK you are? No one gets a guide through life, no one gets a guardian angel, so why am I expected to have been one? Should I have been one? I believe we all must live and learn through our experiences, especially, those of us who are hard-headed. So, I was going to let her live and learn but out of respect for myself and for my boyfriend I couldn’t spend anymore nights getting blacked out drunk, I couldn’t spend anymore money, I needed to focus on making MY life better instead of someone else’s, I was tired of being someone’s third wheel, I want to enjoy my life as well!
I was in a relationship where what I wanted and needed did not matter and whether you’re my mother, best friend, boyfriend, brother or boss… I don’t have to put up with it when I have done my absolute best at being the other half of all of those relationships. Would you? No, because life is too short. I have cried many times over this friendship and it hurts me to my core that things can’t be different, I still wake up some mornings and it’s the first thing on my mind and it’s still painful. When do you say “enough is enough”? Though it kills me that I have been demonized in the mind of someone I love, at some point I had to start putting myself first.
Even though I wish I could go back and change it…
And that’s okay.
Even though I pray one day she stops holding a grudge and blaming me…
She probably won’t.
And that’s okay too.
Even though when someone does something wrong to me, I am the first to forgive and forget…
I can’t expect her to do that same.
Even though she’ll never know that my original intention was never to walk away like that…
I just needed a break from the whirlwind and I was coming back.
All I wish for her now is that at some point in her life, she reflects back on this time and comes to a few realizations that make her better, her relationship better, her friendships better, something clicks and it’s made an impact. I will play the demon for a moment like that.